A Dictionary For These Times

Dear Mr. Martian,

(1) I understand you may be somewhat confused by the confusing, science-fictive ways you encounter here on our alien planet. I’m hoping this may help your find you way around them.

(2) Affirmation means ______. (Thus, for example, Magic Johnson approaches his life-threatening disease with optimism and good nature. This means he is “in denial.” An optimist is only a pessimist who hasn’t yet come out. Yes, in short, means no. This is different however, from the fact that no means yes. That is what men say when women don’t say yes to them.)

(3) Challenge means ______. (A “Physically challenged” person is one who used to be called “disabled” or “handicapped” — to wit, one who has been dealt a bad blow by circumstance. To give him this more friendly sounding title is an attempt to affirm possibility on his behalf — in other words, to be in denial.)

(4) Cool means hot. (This, of course, you’ve known for a while. Almost anything that people say is “cool” is sure to be “hot.” If something’s “bad,” that means it’s “good.” If it’s “in,” though, that means it’s on the way out. After all, “give in” and “give out” mean the same thing.)

(5) Diversity means ______. (If someone wants a “diverse” student body, say, that means he wants one in which everyone is more or less like him. This is only logical, because “minorities” tend to be in the majority now. Thus “equal opportunity” usually means “unequal,” since some are more equal — or is it unequal? — than others.

(6) East means west. (The “Far East” is — naturally — to the west of the “Far West,” and the East Coast is one of the westernmost parts of the Western world. Don’t worry, though: according to a U.S. President, yes means no in the East anyway, while in the more logical West, “a fat chance” means a very thin one.)

(7) Father means son. (Thus, for example, Bill Wyman’s son is marrying the mother of Bill Wyman’s wife. Bill Wyman will soon be his son’s son-in-law, as well as father of his father-in-law. It’s easy to tell a girl from a boy, however. Boys are the ones with earrings? and long hair; girls are the ones with trousers and short hair. “Mother,” of course, is the worst name you can call someone. That is because mothers are not, in many contexts, objects of worship.)

(8) Friends means ______. (If someone says, “Can’t we just be friends?,” that usually means you’ve got a po-tential enemy for life. But don’t lose hope: in many parts of the world, your enemy’s enemy is your friend. That is a result of the law whereby two rights make a wrong.)

(9) Inner city means outer space. (The people who live in the “inner city” are nearly always outsiders, and “insiders” live as far as possible from the heart of things. Likewise, the “inner child,” for most adults, is even more far out.)

(10) Interests mean ______. (As in the “interests” people list in “personal ads” —“Schoenberg, late Heideg-ger and Hustler” — or in the bodies known as “interest groups.” Of Course, you will already have found that “personal” in any case means “impersonal”; thus a “personal ad” is, in fact, a highly impersonal solicitation? for companionship.)

(11) Left means right. (In places like the former Soviet Union, the “rightists” are the conservatives, who are most attached to communism — in other words, the people furthest on the left.

(12) New means old. (Thus a “new idea” — in Hollywood, for example — means an old idea that is not under copyright. Something that happened yesterday, though, is “old news.”)

(13) Pleasure means ______. (The giving of pleasure is one of the most lucrative businesses around, and not only in the red-light district. Thus people who “play games” for a living sign contracts for $43 million — much more than people who merely work. Those who can sing may get up to $100 million.)

(14) Ruler means ______. (Anyone who is a member of a royal family is, by law, subject to the nation. Thus the princesses of Britain, say, are employees of the people, used as tourist attractions and given free board and lodging in return for affording the rest of us some entertainment. You may remember how the old kings — like Henry V — used to spy on their subjects; now it’s the subjects who spy on their rulers. Dieu et mon droit.)

(15) Small means mid-size. (If you are renting a car, you need to remember that “small” is several sizes larger than the smallest size. And in McDonald’s, “a small” order of fries is now a regular-size order, which is differ-ent from the situation in most places, where the “regular” size is very small.)

(16) War means peace. (Thus the “cold war” was a way of maintaining a delicate peace between two militant superpowers. The “war against drugs” means saying “Just say no” several times and hoping that people under the influence won’t take a no for a yes.)

(17) Oh, and one more thing. Alien means resident. (As in “I live here because I’m a ‘resident alien.’ “You’ll see lots of “aliens” in the U.S. — they are the people who come from other countries, as opposed to “real Americans,” who are people who came from other countries a little while ago.)

(18) I hope that all makes sense. I’m sure you will find our world as clear as anything on your planet.

【參考譯文】

新時代字典

親愛的火星人：

(1)我了解您在我們這個外星人星球上碰到的許多顛三倒四、科幻小說式的情形，可能讓您有點困惑。希望以下的說明能幫您克服這些障礙。

(2)肯定就是否認。（譬如魔術(shù)師約翰遜用樂觀、隨和的態(tài)度來對待他患的致命的疾病。這表示他在“否認”。樂觀者只是還不肯承認的悲觀者。簡單講，說“是”的意思就是“不”。不過這和另一種狀況不同：說“不”意思就是“是”。那是男人說的：“在女人不肯對他說“是”的時候。）

(3) 挑戰(zhàn)就是喪失。（一個“身體受挑戰(zhàn)”的人就是從前叫做“失能”或“殘障”的人——例如曾遭到命運嚴重打擊的人。用現(xiàn)在這個聽起來比較友善的名稱來稱呼他，是為了肯定他的可能性——也就是否認的意思。）

(4) 冷就是熱。（這一點當然您早就知道了。只要是別人說“酷”的東西幾乎一定很熱門。如果說這個東西很“壞”，那就是說它很“棒”的意思�？墒侨绻�說一個東西是“in”[流行]，那就是說它快要out [出局]了。畢竟give in 和give out 的意思是一樣的。）

(5) 多樣性就是單一性。（如果有人說他們希望抬收進來的學生有“多樣性”，意思是說他要的學生每一個都和他自己是差不多的人。這也很合理，因為“少數(shù)”民族現(xiàn)在有占“多數(shù)”的傾向。所以“平等機會”通常表示“不平等”的意思，因為有人比別人更平等——或者該說更不平等？

(6) 東方就是西方。（所謂“遠東”當然就是在“遠西”的更西方。美國東海岸也是西方世界最“西”化的地方。不過您也不用擔心，有一位美國總統(tǒng)就說過，反正在東方“是”就表示“不”。而在比較合乎邏輯的西方，“機會大得很”意思是成功的機會太小了。）

(7)父就是子。（例如，比爾懷曼的兒子要和比爾懷曼的丈母娘結(jié)婚了。比爾懷曼馬上就是他兒子的女婿了，他的老丈人則要叫他爸爸。這是有點亂，不過男人女人倒很容易分。戴耳環(huán)留長發(fā)的就是男人，穿長褲留短發(fā)的就是女人�！皨寢尅碑斎皇橇R人最難聽的臟話。這是因為媽媽在許多狀況下都是崇拜的對象。）

(8) 朋友就是敵人。（如果有人說：“我們不能只做朋友嗎？”那通常表示你結(jié)下了一個一輩子的敵人�？墒且矂e灰心：世界上有許多地方，敵人的敵人就是朋友。這是根據(jù)“正正得負”定律導出來的結(jié)果。）

(9) 都市內(nèi)部就是外太空。（住在“都市內(nèi)部”的人幾乎都是圈外人，而“圈內(nèi)人”則盡量避開問題的核心。同樣的，大部分成年人“內(nèi)心的小孩”更是超乎想象之外。）

(10)興趣就是無聊。（好比您看到“個人廣告”上那些人列出來的“興趣”——“勛伯格、后期海德格爾和《哈騷客》”——或者是所謂 “利益團體”中的“興趣”。當然，您一定已經(jīng)了解所謂“個人”反正指的是“非個人”；所以所謂“個人廣告”其實是完全不針對個人的征友廣告。）

⑾ 左就是右。（在前蘇聯(lián)之類的地方，所謂“右派”是保守派，也就是最服膺共產(chǎn)主義的人——所以就是立場最左的人。）

⑿ 新就是舊。（所以一個新點子——好比在好萊塢——就是還沒有申請版權(quán)的舊點子。而昨天才發(fā)生的事情就算“舊新聞”了。）

⒀ 享樂就是事業(yè)。（提供享樂是最賺錢的行業(yè)之一，還不只紅燈區(qū)是如此。所以“玩游戲、打球”謀生的人簽約一簽就是4300萬——比光會工作的人多多了。會唱歌的更可以拿到1億的合約。）

⒁ 統(tǒng)治者就是子民。（凡屬于皇室的人士按法律規(guī)定就是國家的臣民，所以好比英國的王妃們就是人民聘請的員工，用來吸引觀光客，管吃管住，以替人們提供娛樂。您可能還記得從前的國王——像亨利五世——會偷偷刺探他的臣民，現(xiàn)在則是臣民刺探統(tǒng)治者的隱私。天主、吾皇萬歲�。�

⒂ 小號就是中號。（如果您去租車，要記得“小型”比起最小的汽車要大上好幾號。而且在麥當勞，一客小薯條現(xiàn)在是中的了。這和大部分的情形相反。一般您要的中號都小得很。

⒃ 戰(zhàn)爭就是和平。（所以“冷戰(zhàn)”從前是兩個交戰(zhàn)的超級大國之間維持脆弱和平的辦法�！皩Χ酒沸麘�(zhàn)”的意思就是把“只要說不”念上幾遍，然后希望那些吸毒吸到不分東南西北的人不會把“不”誤當為“是”。）

⒄ 對了，還有一點。外來人口就是居民。（好比說“我住在這，因為我是‘有居留權(quán)的外來人口’”。在美國您可以看到很多“外來人口”，就是從外國來的人，這和“真正的美國人”不一樣——真正的美國人是不久前從外國來的。）

⒅ 希望您都弄清楚 了。我相信您會覺得我們的世界和您的星球一樣的清楚明白。