大學英語四級考試寫作典型例文精彩點評(一)

　　2003年9月考試四級作文題：The Day My Classmate Fell Ill (or Got Injured)

　　提綱：

　　1.簡單敘述一下這位同學生病(或受傷)的情況

　　2.同學、老師和我是如何幫助他/她的

　　3.人與人之間的這種相互關(guān)愛給我的感受是……

　　例1. (2分段)

　　One day, we are all in classroom. Wang fang said, "Oh!" We all see her and found that she was crying! Teacher turned to ask her what was wrong. She said, "I do got a fever, my head is very hot!" Feng Gang sent she to hospital, we all followed they. In the hospital, doctor Wang give a inject to her, she gradually calm and not hot as before. We all thanked the doctor.

　　點評：未能按照題目要求寫，沒有著重寫"同學、老師和我是如何幫助他/她的" "人與人之間的這種相互關(guān)愛給我的感受是……"。條理不清，思路紊亂，大部分句子均有錯誤，有的甚至影響理解。

　　原文修改后：

　　One day, when we were all in classroom., Wang fang Suddenly cried,, "Oh!" We all looked at her and found that she was groaning. Teacher turned to ask her what was wrong. She said, "I have got a fever, my head is very hot!"

　　Immediately, our teacher sent her to hospital, and we all followed them. In the hospital, we asked doctor Wang to give an injection to her, and she gradually became calm and not as hot as before. We all thanked the doctor.

　　The day has passed, but it is clearly in my mind. I think if we can do things like that in the incident, the society will be better, and the relationship between people will be better as well!

　　例2.(5分段)

　　Last week, li ning and I studied in classroom. Suddenly, lining said to me that he had a headache .I asked he to see doctor. he said it was not bad. After 5 miniuts, lining sai to me his headache very serious. So I helped him go to hosptial.

　　Students and teacher heard lining went to hosptial, all of them went to the hosptial. Some teacher asked lining dont worry, it will be good .Some students asked lining take care of himself. lining said that he was very moved.

　　Thought this things, I think a lot .The world is beautiful, because the love filled in it .people can help each other when who are in trouble.

　　點評：本文基本切題。語句銜接不自然，簡單句使用得太多，有些表達不太準確，有明顯的中文痕跡。要加強銜接詞的運用，單復句的轉(zhuǎn)換，句式的多樣化，還有語言基本功的訓練。

　　原文修改后：

　　Last week, Li ning and I studied in classroom. Suddenly, lining told me that he had a headache. I asked him to see the doctor. he said it was not so serious. After 5 minutes, Lining told me that his headache became worse. So I helped him go to hospital.

　　When Students and teachers heard that Lining had gone to hospital, all of them went to the hospital. Some teachers asked Lining not to worry and to take care of himself. Lining said that he was very moved.

　　Throught this, I think a lot.The world is beautiful because it was filled in love--people help each other in trouble.

　　例3.(8分段)

　　One day there is a student who was isolated for infectious disease. We and our teachers are concerting about his situation. But he must be isolated from us for relivesing measure.

　　In this important period, we telephoned to him, we also told him that he had a good rest time. we suggested that he call up his friends who were not kept in touch because of burden study and read some books which he enjoys but have no time to read .At last we told him that he must get over this fell .

　　I think we should love each other .when somebody needs help we should lend our one hand to him.

　　點評：本文基本切題，也有必要的細節(jié)描述。但有的地方表達不清楚。有比較多的語言錯誤。要注意連接詞的使用和句式多樣化，長短句可以間隔使用，使用長句時注意語法、力求表達清楚。

　　具體問題剖析：(1)全文時態(tài)不統(tǒng)一(舉例略)。

　　(2)第二段語句銜接不自然，句式重復，且長句組織起來顯得有點凌亂，語法錯誤相當多。在原文基礎(chǔ)上修改如下："In this important period, we telephoned him, and told him to have a good rest.Besides, we advised him to call up his friends who were not kept in touch because of burdensome study ,on the other hand, to read some books which he enjoyed but had no time to read. At last we told him that he must overcome this ill."